VLADIGOBBLE: The Strongman Gets Stuffed
- VLADIGOBBLE: The Strongman Gets Stuffed After decades of shirtless horseback riding and geopolitical chess, Vladimir Putin has been reincarnated as VLADIGOBBLE, a particularly aggressive turkey on a family farm in rural Vermont, which is basically his personal nightmare. Gone are the days of controlling vast territories. Now Vladigobble rules over a 40 square foot pen with an iron wing, intimidating younger poultry through strategic gobbling and sudden, unprovoked charges at the fence. He's expanded his territory exactly three times, each advance earning him a spray from the farmer's hose and a firm "No." His attempts to annex the chicken coop have been... unsuccessful. The other turkeys don't fear him. They pity him. His magnificent tail feather displays, once symbols of dominance, now just make him look fat for Thanksgiving. Every September, he watches nervously as the farmer takes measurements, suddenly understanding what it feels like when someone bigger decides your borders. Vladigobble spends his days trying to suppress free range movements, controlling access to the water trough, and holding four hour meetings where he gobbles about the glorious history of the pen while the hens fall asleep. He's convinced the scarecrow is NATO. He tried to poison a rival rooster but ended up just eating the tainted feed himself. His greatest fear? November. Every November. The ultimate irony: He spent his previous life making other people disappear. Now he's counting down to the day he becomes the centerpiece at a table where Americans give thanks for democracy. "Make Russia Gr... GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE"
