Samsara Tarot

The Cards Know

The stars have reviewed your week and declined to comment. The cards were less careful. A new card and a new horoscope every day, read against the real sky: the Moon's phase, the Sun's sign and whichever planets are going backwards.

Card of the day · Today

The Meltdown

Everything is fine.

A statement will be issued saying the situation is under control. That is how you will know it is not.

Advice
Hold your shape for one more press conference.

Your reading

Draw three cards

One for the life you had, one for the life you are in and one for the life you are heading for. Three new cards tomorrow. Turning all three earns 5 karma.

Past life
This life
Next life

The Samsara horoscope

The sky today, as it really is. What it means is our fault.

Sun in ScorpioHappy birthday to them; the rest of us are still paying for the last one.
Waxing Crescent in SagittariusThe Moon is growing. So is the list of things that will be dealt with after the election.
Mercury retrogradeMessages go astray, contracts misbehave, and every delayed reply now has an alibi.
Venus retrogradeOld flames and old coalitions get back in touch. Neither has changed.
Saturn retrogradeThe rules are under review by the people they were written for.

Moist-Turd1 Jan to 20 Jan
Today
Trust your instincts. They are the only advisers you are not paying.
Avoid: anything described as disruptive · Lucky: an honest mistake
About Moist-Turd
You fill every available space with yourself. Fear the flush from the mob. Whenever you lose, face an investigation or get caught contradicting yourself, you say someone is trying to flush you away.
Keto-Rat21 Jan to 9 Feb
Today
A meeting will be called to discuss why there are so many meetings.
Avoid: surprise referendums · Lucky: plain bread
About Keto-Rat
Want all the cheese, ownership of the nest and everyone's affection? Fear ridicule and irrelevance. When wounded, you chew through something the whole colony needs.
Snake with Alzheimer10 Feb to 1 Mar
Today
You will be told the system works. You will be told this by the system.
Avoid: anyone holding a clipboard · Lucky: tap water
About Snake with Alzheimer
You seek to have every gaze fixed on you and every promise mistaken for love. You're afraid of the spell breaking. You call the coils an embrace, the hiss a declaration of devotion, and any attempt to pull away a betrayal. Your charm is never satisfied with attention, you want possession.
Hydra2 Mar to 21 Mar
Today
Somebody apologises today, to anyone who may have been offended, which is not you apparently.
Avoid: limited-time offers · Lucky: a window seat
About Hydra
One head seeks addiction, another ignores consent, a third sells tickets to the revelation. Cut off a contradiction and two new sermons grow. All necks lead to the imprisoned mind.
Skinny-Pig22 Mar to 10 Apr
Today
Someone will thank you for your service today. It will not appear on the payslip.
Avoid: your own search history · Lucky: a paper map
About Skinny-Pig
Your ambition is hereditary, your appetite a national duty. The trough belongs to everyone, which is why only you may eat from it. Even the stars must applaud before they are allowed to shine.
Rectangular Worm11 Apr to 30 Apr
Today
Good news arrives, wrapped in a press release. Read it from the bottom up.
Avoid: breakfast television · Lucky: the off switch
About Rectangular Worm
You eat away at the apple and tell everyone you're making it better. Everyone else must live on less so you can keep eating. When they complain, you explain that they don't understand how apples work.
Call of Thuxulo1 May to 20 May
Today
The universe has a plan for you. It is a five-year plan and it is on year eleven.
Avoid: people who say 'actually' · Lucky: low expectations
About Call of Thuxulo
You keep your kingdom peaceful by holding it underwater. The surface is immaculate, the silence exemplary. People praise the absence of ripples. You modestly accept the award.
Candy-Turkey21 May to 9 Jun
Today
A door closes. A window opens. Both are billed separately.
Avoid: motivational billionaires · Lucky: a short memory
About Candy-Turkey
Want to seek perfect balance? Both sides of every border should belong to you. Peace arrives when every other bird is stuffed. Your feathers spell harmony; your shadow is an axe.
Radioactive-Cockroach10 Jun to 29 Jun
Today
You will be asked to do more with less. Start with less enthusiasm.
Avoid: open-plan offices · Lucky: a second opinion
About Radioactive-Cockroach
Your optimism is indestructible because catastrophe is your natural habitat. The cupboard is empty, the kitchen is burning, and you announce a golden age for cockroaches. Anyone reaching for the light is an enemy of progress.
Supremacist-Alien30 Jun to 19 Jul
Today
Somebody richer than you will explain that money is not everything.
Avoid: loyalty cards · Lucky: the emergency exit
About Supremacist-Alien
You want the planet purified for your own exclusive occupation. You hate being treated as the outsider you are. Everyone else must prove they belong; the alien's throne needs no paperwork.
Hemorroyd20 Jul to 8 Aug
Today
A neighbour discovers politics today. Keep your curtains closed.
Avoid: a man with a vision · Lucky: the last biscuit
About Hemorroyd
You believe society works best under constant pressure, especially at the bottom. Every cry of pain confirms that discipline is returning. You settle deeper into the seat of power and prescribe harder chairs for everyone else.
Fly9 Aug to 28 Aug
Today
The inbox is full. So is the hospital and the last train.
Avoid: unpaid opportunities · Lucky: a full night's sleep
About Fly
You are eager for the rubbish and the right to declare the picnic unsafe. You're afraid of a cleanup that leaves you with nothing to feed on. Every promise of peace must preserve a little more decay for tomorrow.
Scared-Medusa29 Aug to 17 Sep
Today
A new dawn is promised. Sunrise has been rescheduled for after the election.
Avoid: the comments · Lucky: a locked door
About Scared-Medusa
You love your homeland so fiercely that you cannot bear to see it move without permission. One protective glance turns the neighborhood to stone. At last: perfect order, loyal citizens, no complaints.
Parasite18 Sep to 8 Oct
Today
You will be offered a seat at the table. Check whether you are also on the menu.
Avoid: think tanks · Lucky: an unread contract
About Parasite
Do you want a host that supplies blood, shelter and gratitude? Hiding is your best choice to avoid being held responsible for the host's condition. When the body fails, you can call it disloyal and seek better accommodation.
Smelly-Crocs9 Oct to 29 Oct
Today
The stars advise patience. So does your landlord, your bank and the housing minister.
Avoid: group chats after midnight · Lucky: a working printer
About Smelly-Crocs
Your smell enters the room before you do and takes the best seat. Soap, shame and dress codes have all failed against you. You call the holes ventilation; everyone else calls them a failure of containment. Your only fear is the washing machine, the one court with no appeal.
Wet Cup Holder30 Oct to 19 Nov
Today
A small windfall comes your way. An equally small fee is already following it.
Avoid: long-term forecasts · Lucky: a cancelled meeting
About Wet Cup Holder
You exist to serve, and everything placed in your care comes back damp and slightly ruined. You leave your mark on every surface without ever taking responsibility. People blame the glass. Your greatest terror is a cloth: one wipe and there is no evidence you ever mattered.
Splashed-Buttplug20 Nov to 10 Dec
Today
The planets are aligned. Nothing else is.
Avoid: reply-all · Lucky: no signal
About Splashed-Buttplug
Nobody admits to knowing you, yet somehow you're at the centre of every incident. You wanted proximity to power and achieved splashback. You demand to be handled with respect, or at least gloves. Your deepest fear is the drawer, where the ambitious are forgotten.
Used-Toothbrush11 Dec to 31 Dec
Today
A rumour reaches you. By evening it is policy.
Avoid: pilot schemes · Lucky: an empty seat on the bus
About Used-Toothbrush
You've been inside everyone's mouth and remember every secret. Nobody wants you back, but nobody throws you away either: you might still be useful for the grout. You call your worn bristles experience. You live in fear of the bin and in hope of one last emergency.