To formalize our commitment, we offer a “Grace Period” for those who voted for Trump in 2016 and 2024: leave the United States voluntarily and return only once your consciousness has been thoroughly laundered. This manifesto is a clinical dose of reality that you must swallow whole.

  1. Open the borders wide: we require the immigrants to perform the very jobs you consider yourselves too dignified to do.

  2. Orchestrate the most expansive deportation of racists and pedophiles in the history of the known universe.

  3. Dismantle the “broligarchy” and the Wall Street monopoly game so that mere mortals might finally catch the scent of a savings account.

  4. Cease the fracking of oil; we are hemorrhaging the Earth’s lifeblood on behalf of the greed from white-collar whales.

  5. Maintain our partnerships with low-income nations, ensuring that the iPhone, Polo Hilfiger, American Eagle, and Abercrombie can remain “Great” again through their labor.

  6. Tax the corrupt for every stolen penny currently hibernating in a Swiss or Bermudan bank.

  7. Apply thoroughly the US Constitution, minus the Second Amendment, so our children can study in peace and enjoy the youth they are actually entitled to.

  8. Prevent Trump from igniting World War III by pulling him from every lever of power and into an asylum in Alaska or a cell in Guantanamo (he wants to go to Cuba, though).

  9. Purge the word “god” from all political rhetoric to insulate the nation from the brand of fanaticism seen on January 6th.

  10. Sever the cocaine pipelines servicing the elites of DC, New York, LA, Miami, Chicago, etc., so that Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, and Bolivia can finally experience peace.

  11. Restore the wild forests and wildlife across the continent, returning colonized lands to the autochthonous peoples and Mexicans who were here long before the British and French arrived.

  12. Codify this citizenship manifesto within the military and halt the production of “war games,” so our youth no longer view the battlefield as a viable livelihood.

  13. Label cryptocurrency for what it is: a hazardous asset and a primary engine for global corruption.

  14. Fight for free education, Medicare for All, and universal civil rights; after all, that is the singular reason we pay taxes!

  15. Liquidate the oil and coal giants; they’ve had their bargain. Now it is the era of the bicycle and public transit for the masses.

  16. Levy a tax on private jets for every thirteen minutes of flight time, with an additional surcharge for every mile flown.

  17. Mandate gender-inclusive language in all official and diplomatic texts; we respect that a person’s identity today may evolve into something entirely different by tomorrow.

  18. Integrate all sports: every national team shall be a mosaic of men, women, trans, homosexuals, lesbians, and whoever else possesses the will to play.

  19. Cultivate a critical mind beginning in kindergarten: teach children how to identify and denounce a racist from a mile away.

  20. Instruct the youth on the art of cultural inquiry, how to engage with different cultures by asking the right questions.

  21. Abolish the Electoral College; if the popular vote wins, the candidate wins. That is the fundamental definition of democracy.

  22. Success is a metric of democratic consistency and the burden of humble ruling.

  23. For those plagued by grandiose delusions and a dictatorial bent, include them in the racist deportation plan and ship them directly to North Korea.

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