After years of warning about toxins, Robert F.
- After years of warning about toxins, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been reborn as Naegleria fowleri, the brain-eating amoeba. "I finally found my purpose," says the microscopic Kennedy. "I've spent decades trying to get into people's brains with conspiracy theories, now I just swim up their noses and do it directly. Much more efficient." The former presidential candidate reports he's thriving in warm, stagnant water. " It's perfect. No fact-checkers, no peer review, just pure, unfiltered brain consumption. And technically, I'm still anti-vax—amoebas don't vaccinate." Sources confirm he's already infected several hot tub parties in Malibu, where witnesses report victims suddenly believing raw milk cures everything. "The irony is beautiful," notes one CDC scientist. "He warned about chemicals in the water. Now he IS the thing in the water you should worry about." RFK Jr. says his only regret is that brains don't taste like roadkill bear meat.
